Day 16: Continue

More old journal entries:

1-19-01: "Okay, Bob woke me up by knocking on the door. He came in and started breakfast (I love that he still makes breakfast for us. The kids are breakfast deprived without him around) It was fun just to watch him work. He was wearing his glasses so he looked SOOOO cute! (I loved his glasses but they didn't love me. After I broke them several times we decided that lasik was the best option) I got ready. Joseph woke up so I watched movies with him. I think I was trying too hard to be cute with him cause I know how much Bob loves children. But it would really touch me when Joseph would come up to me and sit in my lap. I really do love little children. (Thank goodness!) Bob gave Joseph a breakfast sandwich to eat. Joseph had this cute blank stare, I think he was still half asleep. (As the years went on I found out that Joe is just really shy. He would talk when Bob was around but if I came around the corner he would immediately be quiet. One of my favorite memories is when we went to visit and Bob was sick with hives. All of a sudden Uncle Bob was not available to play. Joe opened up to me and we started playing dinosaurs, it was so much fun!) We hit the road...We took the long way to Shoshone, through Pocatello. Bob gave me the tour of Shoshone, it is very small....We got to his house and it looks really small from the front. I was SO nervous! This must be what it is like to meet your in laws! His mom, Ladonna, was the only one here. She came up and hugged me, it was so cute! I then met Ross, who was out helping neighbors, his dad. Ladonna was baking cookies, yumm! A picture perfect homemaker. Soon after, I met the boys Adam (17) and Jon (16 or 15) (I know, I know it's John. But I wrote it Jon in my journal). Adam plays the piano and has a genuinely funny personality. Jon looks ALOT like Bob. We all sat around laughing and talking. His Dad, Ross, is a funny good guy. I was expecting someone strict and scary. ( I had dated some guys in the past where I felt like their dad was watching everything I did. So I was scared I was going to say "crap" and get yelled at for using a cuss word in Bob's house. Thank goodness it was a very easy going trip.) The girls, Christina (15 or 14) and Anna (14 or 13), finally got home from a Young Women's thing. Christina is a sweet girl with a love for music. Anna is funny, outgoing, and cute. We packed up and went to Hagerman to the warm springs. The water was great! I was still having a hard time being comfortable with Bob and not Elder Gedeborg. I must admit I WAS checking him out a lot though! :) (Well, apparently he was checking me out too. Years later I heard this story from his sister Becky. When he got back from the trip she had questioned him about me. She asked what I looked like etc. His response was "Um, she has an orange bathing suit") We played copy cat on the diving board! IT was great! Then I tried to dunk Bob. I finally got him. By this time I was getting a little more comfortable and touchy. I didn't want to be too flirty though. We went and played B-Ball. Oh! I dunked Adam too! hehe He was asking for it. (Man I was quite mean back then.) We then went to the kiddy pool. We ended up sitting and talking. I was looking in his eyes better. The whole time praying for guidance and answers from my Father above. Finally we got out and got dressed. We went into this side room to eat and Ladonna had this huge spread! (To this day I describe Mom as Mary Poppins, she just kept pulling more and more stuff out of her bag!) Hoagie sandwiches with anything imaginable to put on top. I just gazed in awe at this great little family. That is what I want!

We went out to the car to go home and one car was dead and the hood of the other wouldn't pop! We got some guy to jump it, meanwhile me and Anna were discussing which direction the geese were flying. We were getting in the car and Bob was going to drive again. I was worried he would fall asleep and I knew I was tired. His Dad offered to drive and Bob gladly took the offer. I was happy because we got to ride in the back together. Our first alone time. Bob said I could lay on him 'I'm not a missionary anymore.' I was wary but I laid my hear on his shoulder. I didn't want to hold his arm or anything because I didn't know what he was thinking and I kept going 'Friends, friends, friends' in my head. My neck was getting stiff quick because I was so uptight. So I moved to his lap. I fell asleep ( I felt so safe and comfortable).We got home and went inside to watch my home movies, Veggie Tales"Ultimate Silly Songs" and V.T. Ester. I wanted to sit next to Bob but Adam was laying on him so I took the little couch. After we were done I was going to write in my journal but Bob was around. I have been confused and impatient about an answer. I love his family. Ladonna and the girls hugged me goodnight. they seemed genuinely glad to have me here. I fit in here! It's amazing. Ross told me in focus (Focus is part of FHE where everyone says something nice about you) tonight that I fit right in with their oddness. :) That REALLY means a lot to me. Especially from a Father. (I can say to myself that I love him, not too deep yet but it's there, but I fear he doesn't love me back.) "

I wish I still kept journals the way I did back then. It is so fun to go back and look at my feelings. It truly shows you the hand of God in your life. This next entry is from my spiritual journal.

I was studying my Patriarchal Blessing, which is a very sacred blessing that we receive. So I will not be sharing specifics, but I love the feelings I was having at the time. I have always been scared that my husband will die on me. Ask Bob, I still have a problem with this. So this is what I was feeling at this time as well. "I don't want my husband to die on me. I KNOW he is great and I cannot imagine raising my family without him. I now think of Bob. If he is the one, he would bring so much life to the house and joy in my life, how could I live without it?"

Now I was pondering on my friends and the influences they have in my life. "I pick a lot of bad ones, but also a lot of great ones too! :) (Bob) He makes me happy, he brings the spirit with him always. He ceases to amaze me and comfort my soul with his presence. I just want to know! Is he the one! Why can't I know? or am I not listening? Am I not supposed to know? Maybe I am so scared and prepared fro it to be wrong that I TRUELY wont let it be right. Maybe."

"I looked at him today and thought 'He's so young, is he really ready for marriage?' (Could he put up with me?) Right now the words of my dream came to me 'wait for me'. (When I was 13 I had a dream about my Eternal Companion) I promised I would but I am soooo sick of waiting! I am selfish but VERY VERY VERY tired of waiting (I was what? 19?) At least let me know if it's right or lead this relationship in the right direction! Or is he already working on doing that? JUST TRUST! How hard can it be?"

Wow! I was a woman full of conflict it seems.

"Did the Holy Ghost lead me to WV? Yes. Was it right? Yes. Was it for a reason? Yes. Do I know that reason? Part of me wants to say yes but I can't bring myself to say the word for fear that the spirit won't reassure me of it. He (Bob) is definitely sweet and I know he would take me to the temple. - It says I will know in my heart but it doesn't say anything about my mind. My spirit knows it, why can't i? or does it? - I know he would love me, care for me, help me, and support our children. - I can see my joy being truly joyous with him too. He would love me and I would know it simply in the way he looked at me. or by the touch of the hand. But I can't make him love me! (AHH! JUST BE FRIENDS!) - I know our house would be one of spirit and preparation. He makes me want to live a better life. I can see the faithful, ideal me, living the way I want with this man! - I wonder if I had a problem with patience in the pre-existence too?"

I love all of the qualities that I saw back then. I love my husband and he has made all of my dreams a reality! Thank you honey!

Tired again, so this will just go on and on until I am done :)